NO ROADMAP

So I'm out of roadmaps. For life. For my life. I followed the school, career, marriage, raise kids roadmaps for years but I've reached the end of those roads, other than marriage, I'm happy to say. Now I'm in the process of deciding what roads to take. Without a roadmap, without any signposts. There's no long-term goal, no overarching purpose, just time to finally live in the moment. Not focused on where I'm going, but where I am, a more day-to-day existence.

It's tempting to fill in the time, to schedule lots of activities, because I can, because I'm so used to always having an answer to, what are you doing??? today? tomorrow? next week? next month? next year? The simple answer is, I don't know, I'm not sure. I've arrived at that sought-after time to do what I want and I realize how rarely I've lived that way. Frankly, I don't know how to do it. I spent so much time doing over the years that I didn't spend much time just being.

It's a different life, a different cadence. I'm figuring it out, finding some activities I often thought of as chores, such as cooking, are more enjoyable with time to do them, when it's not a frantic rush to make a meal before moving on to the next items on the never-ending to-do-list that used to run thru my head. Dinner, check homework, pay bills, fold laundry, never mind kids' games, concerts, carpools, grocery shopping, schedule house repairs, car maintenance, doctors' visits, dental appointments, yardwork, and of course, work. I don't miss those frenetic days and nights but they flew by, mostly because I was usually looking forward.

Today I don't have to be efficient, I can waste time, I can do nothing. It's ok I tell myself, you've been productive, you don't have to be productive every second of your life, you could, god forbid, relax.

Here's my chance to slow down, even be still sometimes and enjoy today, enjoy my life. See what comes up when I resist overscheduling. A chance to focus on my daily life, not a future life, which isn't guaranteed anyway.